Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Identity Crisis

Jonah ALWAYS lives out Loud!
Do you ever think that you are just thinking about your life instead of living it? Lately that's what I've been thinking. I had a mini-panic attack yesterday that perhaps I am not really living my life at all, that I am just passively waiting for "it" to happen. Do you know what I mean? You live your life, I mean really LIVE it...then life starts to slowly fill up with meaningless RESPONSIBILITIES and then "poof!" your days, weeks and months are filled with things like meetings through the dinner hour, school meetings, sports meetings, unscheduled random things that eat up HOURS of your life and I'm not talking about those fun, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kinds of things that you laugh yourself silly about later or think, "Man, am I glad we did that!" , I mean things like 4 hour trips to Costco on a Sunday (HELLO, on a SUNDAY!)Things like BILLS, BILLS and more BILLS...just because you can't get it together and devise a system that works to pay them every month so it takes HOURS and HOURS of BRAIN SPACE I mean HOURS and it's just PAINFUL sometimes...ya' know? Things like grocery shopping without a list because seriously, a list?? Come on, those are for wimps...ha! No really, I usually have one, just not with me when I shop, so it takes up twice as much time monthly to get my shopping done because I usually have to REDO it! argh. Stuff like this. The piddly little stuff that no one notices, but puts me in a tailspin and makes people say, "What's wrong? Bad day?" And what does one say to that really?

I mean, seriously, I don't have a lot to complain about in the grand scheme of things and if I could just get it together, just a bit more, then things would flow so much better! I miss the days of random fun...we had one this weekend...sort of. I kind of had a "strike" day without telling anyone. I didn't "DO" anything (well maybe I cooked dinner). It was a great day. We had gone to church the night before (Sat. night) so we had ALL DAY Sunday to do whatever we wanted to do, or didn't want to do. Saturday we cleaned up the front yard, trimmed up all the bushes and trees and gave everything a makeover. It was kind of cleansing. So anyway, after that, we went to church and heard Pastor Jim give a message about where we fit into this world and he used pictures from NASA and put a "big picture" scope on it, that everything here on earth and beyond if for God't glory, otherwise, why would it all be so beautiful (the Milky Way, the galaxies, etc.). Then we went and had a lovely dinner and movie on the big screen at Tam's house. It was a great day. Sunday came around and the boys all got up and made breakfast. I ate breakfast and went back to bed and read until noon. I NEVER do this. Read: NEVER. P came over to work on her resume so I got up and got dressed...we all went to Costco to get dogfood and have lunch (I know weird combination! ha!) and at P's suggestion, to try all the samples - we almost never go on the weekends and since we had just one thing we HAD to get it was actually a FUN trip. No agenda. We had fun poking through things, P and the boys went running from sample to sample...it was hilarious. We played with the toys and drooled at all the candies, etc. that they had out for Christmas. Anyway, then back home for some yardwork and I made dinner and read some more. All in all it was a great day. The boys MADE a leaf pile (they actually picked leaves off of branches I had cut from the maple in front) so they could jump in it! These are the weekends I love. But they are few and far between. But they also make me THINK.

They make me think about my purpose in life, about whether I'm making a difference. About what I'm doing here...about what direction I'm going. Am I supposed to be doing more with my time? Where does my art fit in? What about a job or a career? Is it time for that? Will it ever be again? And if so, what? I want to LIVE MY LIFE OUT LOUD and not just occupy space. That is my fear.
My Men - Living out Loud!

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