Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Identity Crisis

Jonah ALWAYS lives out Loud!
Do you ever think that you are just thinking about your life instead of living it? Lately that's what I've been thinking. I had a mini-panic attack yesterday that perhaps I am not really living my life at all, that I am just passively waiting for "it" to happen. Do you know what I mean? You live your life, I mean really LIVE it...then life starts to slowly fill up with meaningless RESPONSIBILITIES and then "poof!" your days, weeks and months are filled with things like meetings through the dinner hour, school meetings, sports meetings, unscheduled random things that eat up HOURS of your life and I'm not talking about those fun, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kinds of things that you laugh yourself silly about later or think, "Man, am I glad we did that!" , I mean things like 4 hour trips to Costco on a Sunday (HELLO, on a SUNDAY!)Things like BILLS, BILLS and more BILLS...just because you can't get it together and devise a system that works to pay them every month so it takes HOURS and HOURS of BRAIN SPACE I mean HOURS and it's just PAINFUL sometimes...ya' know? Things like grocery shopping without a list because seriously, a list?? Come on, those are for wimps...ha! No really, I usually have one, just not with me when I shop, so it takes up twice as much time monthly to get my shopping done because I usually have to REDO it! argh. Stuff like this. The piddly little stuff that no one notices, but puts me in a tailspin and makes people say, "What's wrong? Bad day?" And what does one say to that really?

I mean, seriously, I don't have a lot to complain about in the grand scheme of things and if I could just get it together, just a bit more, then things would flow so much better! I miss the days of random fun...we had one this weekend...sort of. I kind of had a "strike" day without telling anyone. I didn't "DO" anything (well maybe I cooked dinner). It was a great day. We had gone to church the night before (Sat. night) so we had ALL DAY Sunday to do whatever we wanted to do, or didn't want to do. Saturday we cleaned up the front yard, trimmed up all the bushes and trees and gave everything a makeover. It was kind of cleansing. So anyway, after that, we went to church and heard Pastor Jim give a message about where we fit into this world and he used pictures from NASA and put a "big picture" scope on it, that everything here on earth and beyond if for God't glory, otherwise, why would it all be so beautiful (the Milky Way, the galaxies, etc.). Then we went and had a lovely dinner and movie on the big screen at Tam's house. It was a great day. Sunday came around and the boys all got up and made breakfast. I ate breakfast and went back to bed and read until noon. I NEVER do this. Read: NEVER. P came over to work on her resume so I got up and got dressed...we all went to Costco to get dogfood and have lunch (I know weird combination! ha!) and at P's suggestion, to try all the samples - we almost never go on the weekends and since we had just one thing we HAD to get it was actually a FUN trip. No agenda. We had fun poking through things, P and the boys went running from sample to sample...it was hilarious. We played with the toys and drooled at all the candies, etc. that they had out for Christmas. Anyway, then back home for some yardwork and I made dinner and read some more. All in all it was a great day. The boys MADE a leaf pile (they actually picked leaves off of branches I had cut from the maple in front) so they could jump in it! These are the weekends I love. But they are few and far between. But they also make me THINK.

They make me think about my purpose in life, about whether I'm making a difference. About what I'm doing here...about what direction I'm going. Am I supposed to be doing more with my time? Where does my art fit in? What about a job or a career? Is it time for that? Will it ever be again? And if so, what? I want to LIVE MY LIFE OUT LOUD and not just occupy space. That is my fear.
My Men - Living out Loud!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

What is your Why?

So what is your why? Why do you do the things you do? Why do I post this blog? A good friend asked me this one day...she's never read it...she wasn't being rude, she was just wondering. It was a good question and it made me think. I mean, if no one else ever reads it, why? Well here's my why: I post my blog for a little bit of self-therapy, to "get certain things out" - ya' know? Those things that no one else really asks about, but are just building up inside you, swirling around, gathering up steam and thoughts and ideas... I also post my blog so I can share photos and the "what's going on in my life right now" because although I am a writer by degree, I am horrible at keeping an actual journal a "voice" if you will, of myself through time. So I think it will be nice to see how I grow and change over and through time... I also keep a blog because it is technical to a degree and I like computers and technology so I feel like I'm somewhat in the current playing field of life around me :) I can post pix of my family and friends to look at and share with others if they so choose to view them...it makes me happy :) I also blog (here's the dark reason) because, God forbid, should something happen to me one random day, my kiddos would be able to go to a place, albeit on a computer and read their mother's words, how she lived her days, how she felt about random things, even if I never complete another scrapbook page again (GASP!) I know - sacrilege! Besides, my memory is so bad, it helps me with journaling for when I DO scrapbook! LOL...I've said it before and I'll say it again...I really don't think that was placenta that came out when I had each child...it strangely resembled BRAIN MATTER! And with each one! YIKES!

So on that note...here's a little eye candy for you...something a bit lighter for you whilst you ponder YOUR "WHY"...I took Jonah with me to the Sr. Center Thrift Store yesterday to volunteer - we not only volunteered, but we found some great deals on kids' games - whoohoo! Jonah was an amazing volunteer - great manners, fun, and social not to mention he got A LOT done! He's a good little worker bee! So anyhooooooo, I found this apple bank...it just MADE MY DAY! You put a coin on the front and this little pink worm comes zooming out and eats up the coin! He's super-fast...it was hard to photograph so I used my finger to hold him a bit...boy oh boy does this make me SMILE! Oh...and a few more pictures of my "why's" below :) Our funny fish (in their SPARKLY tank - thanks Honey!) My goofy boys, my new spectacles (don't I look smart?!?!) and my Honey - and for the boys being old enough to go out in public to eat once in a while without melting down!!! whooo hooo!!!!